Hmm....

This weekend I'm gonna make yome moneyyyy.....
love that babysitting family,they give me 10€ per hour ( they really got it,no need to feel bad :P) and it really is anything but exhausting or stuff. But here comes the disadvantage: The fridge. They always tell me to "ohhhh,eat whatever you wannnnnnnt sweet!" ....and temptation is almost irresistible :C
Oh course I can/could pruge but...hey..don't want the little boy(he is 6) to notice anything and I don't know if it is really worth it...I mean..what if not everything comes up again? And surely the lil boy will have his own thoughts if he sees me eating like a fat monster V.v

Plus, today I suddenly had once cm more on ym butt and thighs O.O AND my weight had shot up from 53,6 to 54,2 kilos
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???
Yes, on Monday I had a binge but I vomited the hell out of me...I really gave my best... fuck you fate... but maybe....maybe.... it is just water or again food in my system? Last weekend I was suddenly 800grams lighter after I had been on the loo,you know?
Thanky to the birth controll pill I got my period on Monday so maybe that is why I am heavier(also the reason for the further cms???)
I'm going mad if my weight is not down to 53,5kilos on Friday morning and my measurements as they used to be...I want o be 53 or less on Christmas and start bloody 2010 by being max 52 kilo...
I want to feel happy and beautiful and thin when this year ends in order to celebrate the new year truely happy!!

Gosh....7 days of school left.... SEVEN dayyyyyys... and 3 exams...
english ( haha easy-peasy) maths ( arrrrrrrrgh HIDE ME!!) and french (uhm...we will see? the last time I did rather well...:))

I totally flunked chemistry..0 out of 15 points haha ( my oral makr is good enough and I will drop it next year anway so WHO CARES?! :P)
I had the best exam in Ethics (15/15 wow I'm such an ethic person,huh? rofl)
but only 9 in biology,my second major subject after english...feeling like looser though the average is 8,7points so it is not THAT bad but I would have expected better of me anyway :C
Just hope that I'm better than 8 points in physics and at least 12 in politics&economy...


Noooo I am SO NOT obsessed with school,right? <.<
I:need.holidays.NOW.
No motivation left,wanna hide in my bed and listen so audio books until next week Friday ;P
BUt wait,there is the babysitting this week and I want=need the money ..!

Cheer up honey,don't take life so serious I won't survive it anway!

Holy Shit!! :D

I mean that title word for word. (gosh sometimes I can be sooo funny....not! x3)
This morning I had to go the "lady's room" and spend about probably 5minutes on the loo and...ya know.. I took quite a big dumb.
Afterwards I ran upstairs very curious whether and how much weight I would have lost. I mean, if you can only go to the toilette once or twice a week and "empty yourself" there simply must be an amount x that stores on your body(=shows up on the scal) until you go to the loo?
Annnnnnnnd......
53.6kilos!
Oh yeah,baby!=)
Couldn't really believe my eyes when I saw that number and had to step on it a fe w times more...wow
That is what I call a shot in the arm,huh? Now I'm determined to reduce my permanent binge/purge sessions dramatically...basically the past 3-4 day consisted of stuffing my face with ANYTHING and throwing everything up.3-4 times a day.
Disgusting,I know :C

Also, I have some new measurementsfor you:
thighs 51cm (I never thought I would get ever under 52:)) and my butt is a further cm
smaller :95,7cm
WHOOP WHOOP
So,more than 2weeks left until Christmas and I am already under my goalweight for the 24th.
So why not set 52 as the new GW?
1,6kilos in about 16 days...is that managable withouth subsisting ony on water and cabbage soup?
I think it will be still okay if I don't reach it as long as I'm under 53kilos on the 24th.
Speaking of Christmas... do you guys already have any plans? Is there any specific ritual or meal you always it on Christmas? Will you give yourself some sort of free permission for the 24th to eat careless und joyfully everything you like? Or are u going to restrict and count precisely each adn every calorie consumed?
Please let me know how you are going to handle Christmas and the 2 days after it(don't you call it boxing day or sth.?)


Have a fabulous week!
xxx Minaralou

PS: Has anyone of you a good idea where I could upload the photos where they show up in their full height and not reduced or something?)

So that's it.

I'm officially a girl suffering from EDNOS.
Whoooooh, hear hear,huh?
Well,the thing is: On Thursday night there was a lecture in my school about eating disorders from a professional. Of course I had to go there. At first I was a bit sceptical, you know, there are too many so called professionals that claim to know oh so much about us..
But...geez...it was...amazing..and tough.
I found myself in each and everything she said. When there were the slides on the beamer with signs and typical behaviour of ana,mia and BE.....everything fit neatly to me.
Somehow I made me kinda grin, a really strange feeling went through me..and then... suddenly, my eyes almost got wet and it wa s like a spotlight was fixed on me,because I could see me in everything that was written on the slides...
Something has happened since this lecture,since then omething isnide me has changed. Maybe like.... I have finally fully accepted that I AM eating disorder a hundred percent. From time to time I used to tell myself stuff like " Oh c'mon! You're not as bad as other girls you know from the internet! They suffer way more! Look at you you little wannabe! You never ever even managed to fast a whole day or more! You are not underweight!" etc etc

Sorry that this is so short and not very detailed....

*digress*
The musical I saw with my grnadpa was great it is called "Hello Dolly" ,maybe you have heard of it? And on Dec 22nd I will see The Jungle Book as a ballet-I'm really looking forward to it :)
ANd..oh yes...this morning the scale said 54,2kilos!=)
I really though I would be less than 54,0kilos on Monday but....I guess I ate too many apples today :( Firstly I binged of bread and tofu and stuff,then I purged everything. But somehow I ended up eating too many apples so if I am unlucky (which I tend to be )I still had maybe 1000 calories today.
Fuck it. screwed up again.And it is all my bloody fault. 3inches away from the finish I stop running and turn away :C
Tomorrow night me and my family will be at an acquaintance's birthday. There will be food.Loads of it. Since there is my family I can not possiblybinge and eat anything unvegan,which is good=) But the thing is that there will be bread,of that I'm sure. And I don't know if I will be able to stick to salad etc the whole night. If I get bored, I eat. And since it is ta 50th birthday I guess there won't be so much entertainment for me,huh?

I wish you skinny thoughts for the weeekend !
xx,
minaralou

PS: I HAVE GOT PHOTOS!!! Not from the cosplay convention but rather some of me and my english major course,posing for the yearbok. Although I am incredibly unfotogen and don't really like andy pic 100% I'wll show u them,since I have no further current photos of me

Okay..that's definitely not nice,body! I resited temptation to binge on Christmas sweets and stayed a good girl with <800cals
Yup,you are.
My bottom has shrunk to about 91cm,my thighs are still 52,5cm *sigh*Don't you ever be so nasty again! :C
Do you guys know Advent calendars? In our family(though we are not thast religious) it is an old tradition to hang them up in the children's rooms. Yes I know I might be a bit to old for this but I just like them,because my Granny(+05 R.I.P) made them maybe 50 years agao adn they are just so pretty!!
My father:" God,what am I supposed to put into yours,you can't eat anything like the usual tiniy chocolate balls etc!"
Me:" Well, nevermind me! Just put some mandarines in it! Although....they won't fit in" :CMy father bought sweets! SWEETS (http://www-stud.uni-essen.de/~sdjafroe/izetit/projekte/36/10.jpg)and put them in.
As if I'm gonna eat sweets that aren't even sugar reduced or made with sweetener. Bleh, that is so mean! I know how good they taste but I bet each is about 20cals :S An absolute waste of calories! Sigh, he only meant it well after all.. Guess I'll give them to my little sister,that girl really needs to put on a little bit weight( aww, I used to be as skinny as a twig as well when I was her age damn puberty ;P

On Wednesday I'll be off at our local theatre with my beloved grandpa(he is 90 but his body seems to like 70 haha)...I think the play we will watch is called "kiss me Kate" so actually it is a musical,rightAnyway, no matter what we will be watching...I will thoroughly enjoy the time with him ♥
This afternoon I will also buy myself some ncie new shoes for winter :) I found some that I liked at last-took me ages!! Hopefully they are not already sold,that would be really lame *fingers crossed
Have a skinny week my lovelies!
xoxo,Minaralou

Marry me,Bella

Oh.my.gosh.
OH MY FUCKIN GOSH
NEW MOON
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I.am.totall.ygobsmacked.
Lost for words.
That film really got me.
I am hyperventilating like...I dunno... a girlie
That movie. That.Moooooooooovie.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh
( as you can see I'm just losing my mind haha)
my hormones are boiling over, endorphines in my blood are blubbling like mad
too many hot guys,too much drama*comedy*tragic*love*happyness*tension
too much of everything!!!

On my way home I was giggling all the 15minutes on my bike.
Honestly, I'm behaving as I'm high

I am officially New Mooned

Sorry , atm I'm very poor in expressing myself. I'm just so overwhelmed.
Guss I'll be single for the rest of my life because my expectations in mean are now finally way too high.
Gonna spend the rest of my life drooling after vampires and werewolves

Tayler Lautner*squeal* the whole pack*squeal* Edward*squeal*
Alice*soooooo cuuuuuuuute*
Seriously, if there was New Moon in 3 D, I guess every female viewer would faint/ go completely crazy due to hormones dancing tango



awwwwwwwww,gotta calm down x3



PS: I almost EXPLODED during the film,because my bladder was so very full it almost exploded! Honestly! Right 10min after the film had astarted I had to pee so badly.... I felt like I was dying when there were about 5minutes of the film left...all the time I had tried to hold it in but when I started feeling really hot i though " ok, either you're gonna make yourself wet right now right here or you rush out NOW" off I was.
Sigh.
I felt so relieved, possibly the fastest *get out of seat-rush to toilette-rush back* ever

Gonna watch new Moon right now once again in english on kino.to
Yes I'm being illegal.I need this. I'm addicted you know; I can't help it :P

54,5 kilos!!

Yuppie,almost there,maybe I'll be able to get down to 53 until Christmas!? :D
Ugh,gotta do sooooo much over the weeekend....and I also intended to see New Moon but I don't know if there will be enough time-I really want to enjoy it ;)
Btw, we got out german exam bacl and I had the best one...but only 10/15 points. The average was 6-7 but 10 well... is only okay...but again I am better than that samart ass guy I mentioned before in my english class haha
Looking forward to reading all your blogs in a few minutes, I simply had no time whatsoever to keep myself in the loop :C (gosh you have to learn so fuckin much by heart for biology!!)

See you soon dears :D
Minaralou

Sophia ruins you spoke right from my soul ♥

"I can't live without the struggle, because without it, what else do I have?
I need it to keep me busy.

It's like a city i've created, all my own to defend.
I am Priam, and this is my Troy.
If it goes up in flames, then I go up in flames with it."

Thank you.

54,7kilos this morning.
Fingers crosse I keep on losing though I ate a hell lot of apples and mandarines today(and I am not ecaggerating!!). Actually,apart from about400g of stewed paprica,courgette,champignons and eggplant(the pizza parlour, I stuck every piece in a serviette before I ate it in order to get the oil sucked up :P) I ate nothing but madarines and apples.
At least it is healthy and will go like *this* in another day if it really was too much (maybe 900-1000cals all together? only 250 of them are the veggies,no you see how many a's and m's I ate haha)

Speaking of Sophia.There was this girl, mystic angel, who really made me bloody angry! So mystic angel....atm I somehow can't comment on Sophia's blog ,so this is for you:

HOW DARE YOU TO BE SO FUCKIN RUDE TO HER??? Hope you have a miserable week Fugly! >.<

Skinny bitch ,Peri? Only because of the alcohol!

Whooooops,
yesterday I got reaaaaaally drunk.A few glasses of champagne and half a glass of something's name I don't know but it had 40% I think that says all....
Two guys of the technic group and a friend of one of them and I got drunk at the boy called Felix' house.The other technic guy's name is Daniel,the friend of Felix is THE boy Mentioned once before-Nikki.
We talked very much about everything and nothing while getting tipsy and then drunk.Poor Nikki had to much and vomited in the bin in the end. He stayed over at Felx' so it was not that bad. Felx was pretty relaxed about the whole thing(guess why ...%%%%%% haha)
All in one it was a nice time,but I am soooo glad I managed to get home safely on my bike with NO LIGHT( yes I am reckless shame on me...I have been promising myself to ge tmy light checked for aaaaages...) All the way long I kept muttering to myself "concentrate concentra!! ok,beware...now you have got to turn left beware of any cars....(it was 2.30 AM)
God was I drunk haha
Now I know pretty much all of Nikki's sex life hahah...and all three of them think I am attractive..wohhooo? nahhh...they are all nice but..nope nothing further.I need some really hot guys to think of me as attractive! :P
Together with all the alcohol I guess I had 800cals yesterday... And this morning the scale said 54,5kilos! :D:D

Yes I know...nothing but water loss... blehhh don't spoil the moment!!! xD
Gonna tell you in the next post about how the " Minaralou and step sister bake a birthday cake" story went. There is gonna be blood,lots of chocolate,frustration and laughs ;P

xxx,
Minaralou


EDIT: HO am I supposed to survive this day? I went to bed at 3AM,got up at half past 9. Did some homework,did my sideline job(1hr),had a shower and was busy in the kitchen from1PM until half past five .I am so-fuckin-tired. No I have got to head of to the last theatre performance....be bored 1 1/2 hours until the play is finished....head off with everyone to the pizza parlour and be probably back at about midnight or later...6hrs and I feel like crashing to sleep right now. Today won't be as good..gonna probably end up having had 800cals..I would hate to see the number go up tomorrow :C

too much to do

Didn't any one say long time ago that we should recover on weekends? My weekend is going to anything but restful or realxing.... I just came home and have to go in less than an hour back to the theatre performance.Gonna be back aboutmidnight or so...Saturday: Gotta do my sideline job( appr. 1 1/2 hrs), bake a cake with my stepsister (gonna take 3hrs) and then head right off to the last thetre performance again.After that: Pizza.
And somewhere in between I have to learn for Ethics,Arts and Biology...gooooooooood there is sooooo much to learn for biology..we must know so much by heart -.- And OH YES
I almost forgot....there are french vocabs and reagular homeworks waiting to be done as well...
Weekends are definitely wayyyyy too short!!

By the way: This morning the scale smiled and said 55.1kilos =)

xoxo,
Minaralou *off to read all your blogs*

Small cry of joy

WHAM
I am the best in my english course!
I HAVE THE BEST FUCKING MARK OF ALL!
13/15( A-) points,ther average was 8,7points and my mistakeindex is 0.69.
:D

Of course I am not satisfied.If it comes to english I am only satisfied if I reach 15/15points. But anyway, I am better than htis stupid guy in my course who used to be in America for a certain time and always is like "ohhhh, I don not have to learn any voocabs I ALREADY KNOOOOOW THEM!" fuck you.
mwahahahaha oh joyful schadenfreude how sweet you taste
xD

And in French I scored 11/15 points which equals a B- I am sooo glad...I really thought I had screwed it up and would not get 10 points but here we go teehee


Saturday night the wholöe theatre group will be out for dinner in a pizza parlour...hmm... I simply have have something low cal I can order,no restaurant has nowadays nothing low cal to offer,right??!

Wish you a fabulous weekend darlings!!

Thanx for the sweet comment Peri ♥♥♥

really stressed out -.-

Rahhhhhhhhhh!

Right know I am really pissed. I almos skipped school today because I just felt like it was not worth it...then I convinced me to go because we were supposed to get handed back our english exam...want to have my 15/15 point or at least 13.Anything under it and I am a complete failure that is totally incompetent referring to the english language! BUt what happened`My english teacher

IS NOT THERE (that's why I can blog atm)

SODDING HELL!!!!!!!!!!!

...........................................calm down calm down calm down!!

Guess what? I binged yesterday after dinner... I fought so long and thought I had won and then WHAM.

Ate 800g of tofu with soe mustard and soy sauce and pickles. And some cookies ..fuck

In the end I ended up in my room puking my guts out. But I am pretty sure I did not manage to get everything out.... This morning the scal said 55.8kilos... until Friday or maybe I should say Saturday? Losing 800 grams in 3days seems really achivable..I will try my best to lose as much as possible until Friday

I am such a fuckin greedy bitch,no wonder I never know if the weight my scale says is correct or if there about ahlf a kilo just food that is still in my body because I eat like 2 kilos of food everyday but still manage to stay under 800cals.

Same old story.

This mornign In sat in Ethics and just thought that I wa sabout to burst in teas. It just felt like it. Why do I tend to get so very depressed these days?

This is not me. I am the strong one.The farouche one. Nothing can break me. I protect everyone when they are not able.

As if....atm I seem to be as fragile as a small tiny bird baby. I hate it.must.be.strong.

Weakness makes you vulnerable.

*mental leap*

On SAturday I will bake with my stepsister a birthday cake for her mother = my *half mother*=my father's partner

This cake looks really fantastic and I really love to create things=cook/bake

And I won't eat a bite of it because it is full of cream,milk and eggs ;P

When I asked C.whether she would like this cake for her birthday she was really delighted but then suddenly went:

" But...oh! You cannot eat that,right?" " Uhm.yes? It is okay." " BUt would not it be better if you made one you can also eat?" " Uhm..no.No,it really is okay for me.I want to bake THIS one becuase it looks really great.Don't worry about me!" :D

Suppose I'll happily munch on a carrot or some pickles while watching them eating my creation(in cooperation with my step sister of course ;))

Next Monday we will go to a pizza parlour to celebrate her birthday. But I do not have to worry since we already went there on my father's birthday and I know that there are some safe things I can eat =)

Now I understand how Anise is feeling. I also want to crawl into a nest and just stay in bed. The world and life is just too much for me.

Wish you all the best!!

xxx,Minaralou

I just had the.biggest.craving.ever.
for everything that makes you fat,because it is full of sugar and fat and carbs and calories of course!
Sometimes I just feel lika a drug addicted person on withdrawal...it is such a horrible feeling!
Like a massive pull that overwhlems me. There are only few times I can overpower it =(
It feels just so insane,reall y as if I was craving for herione or something like that. I guess it kinda is... I'm on withdrawal of terrible non vegan food and all the chemicals it has in it-because it makes you get rather slightly addicted.
That's the reason why people hardly can stop after eating a hand full of crisps but always have to finish the whole bag.
And whose fault is all the trouble? Food Inc.
Gaaah...... must.resist.
!!!
I have been craving since 2PM and until now I have not run off hectically to the next supermarket an bought all that horrbile stuff to eat it secretly and throw it up a bit later because actually I can not bear it to keep such terrible stuff in my body but at the same time I also hate myself for giving in once again to something I really oppse.

Just wanted to share my thoughts with you.

Love you honeys,
minaralou

7 things

Do boys even deserve us-we do so much for them!...

Just thought you might like this one =)

Gaaaahhh....I'm a bit drunk.
Today was the second performing day and all these guys who were responsible for the technics(spots ,sounds etc) or at least the older ones kept drinking and drinking and offering me permanently something.I just took some tiny sips because I really did not want to be tipsy before the performance was finished. But after that we(the theatre girls) went into a bar and I had a wodka lemon drink. So in the end I had about 2 or 3 glasses of champangne and 1 wodka lemon and ...wooohhh... I feel reallllly tipsy O_o
It has been wayyyy too long since I got drunk ,my body is really anything but used to it.
One of the technic guys ask me to give him my number...gave it to him...I am not!! interested,he is totally not what I consider as "my type" but he is nice.
Should I have told him right from the beginning when he asked that he is not my type or is it okay that I gave him my number although I am not interested?
Btw, when we went into this shisha bar we had to show them our IDs because you have to be over 18. As you know I am only 17. I handed them my ID,the woman looked at it and said "okay." WTF???=D
Even if you only attended primary school you shoudl be able to count,right? Anyway...good for me :P

Sorry I am really tipsy,just wanted to leave you a quick note!

Love,
Minaralou

PREMIERE!!

Today we had our staging and altough it is Friday 13th it was reeeeeally great!! Everyone played really good,of course there where some faults but I think no one recognised but us haha
I was so high by koffeine I had drunk during the performance my hand were shaky and I was soo nervous although my taks was to just coordinate ale the requisites etc.
After the performance was finished everyone talked about celebrating in a club..grmpfh now that is a reason I ca not wait turning 18. I could not join them (although I was really tempted!) because I always have to inform my father before I go anywhere and tell him when I will presumably back,with whom I'm on the move etc etc... It is okay because I know he just worries but this time it was really très dommage! But still,there are 3 perfomrong days left and the girls are planning to celebrate on every day so I guess I'll still be able to celebrate with them and maybe get a bit drunk (just realised that the last time I was drunk was about Februaryish O_o weird how time flies by!!)
I would really like to get drunk once again :P But of course alc=cals so the next days we perform I'll either fast or eat nothing a a few madarines.

Awww, tomorrow will be so terribly full of stuff I have got to do!! Gotta do my sideline for I did not do it today(was way to exhausted after I came home fo scholl an 4PM..my head jsut felt like it was about to burst..way too much information I have to deal with lately...could use a igger head xD) And on Monday I have my Hostory exam,Thursday Politics&Economy and Friday Spanish...greeeeeeat And ,oh yes!!! I have lots of homwork to do as well ._.* grmph!
But I'll manage it..somhow! Have to.
by the way: Today was English exam day it can honestly say
I TOTALLY ROCKED IT! :D:D
It was soo easy...I wrote way too much- almost 900words the average of my coursemates amoutn was about 400 or so. I just though when I wa sahlf finished thaty I might have wirten not enough and so I went on and on,m y hands flying over the paper. The exam was about shorts stories. I should tell what kind of narrator is used in the story,characterise the two main protagonists,examine to what extent there are characteristics of a short story in the story and write an apology letter (from the two girlswho had bullied another girl really terribly,in the end she tried to kill herself by turning on all the stove in the Home Economics room!:C).

Please lovelies,
whish me all your luck and success you can afford! I really need it to survive successfully all the oncoming exames and performing days :)
Not I have to say goodbye because I must read all your nice blogs :D

Many kisses and hugs!!

I read at someone's blog, that she is going to restrict in carbs. I think that is a really good idea since all kind of cookies,biscuits and other fattening Christmas stuff is full of cars.

So... NO CARBS as in bread,pasta,Christmas bakery/sweets etc until 31.December2009.

No *bad* carbs for the rest of the year (*good* ones as in veggies are allowed of course!)

Anyone with me? =)

Sorry, have nothing further interesting to tell you :(

Ah yes: my father told me yesterday that my face looks really thin..but I don't think I should be concerned,since he immediately asked "You have grown a bit or something,right?":)

"Uhm,yes..probably...but maybe it is just because I'm getting even paler now that it is about to turn winter,huh?"

I checked whether I really might have grown....nope :(

Furthermore,I decided to call *my* doctor tomorrow of the day after tomorrow and tell her that I would like to make an appointment for my period did not come for 3,4 months

....or do you think I shoudl wait until December? Grmph, I am so unsure !

Have a nice week!
xoxo Minaralou

Melancholy

I just informed myself about being an Au-Pair in England and language holidays in England.
The prices are way too high for me....at least 1100€ for about 14days. How should manage to get so much money in a few months(would love to go to England in the summer holidays)???My father can't pay,it is way too expensive...fuck I hate it that we don't have much money :'(
And the way to become an Au-Apair seems awfully complicated,hard and elaborate...I think I'll never be able to do all this stuff right and get a nice host family..
In short: Looks like all this amounts to that it will be almost impossible to emigrate to England someday.
I'm getting really depressed,because everything seems so pointless....I have been wanting to go to England for almost 5 years and never managed it...looks like life wants to torture me deliberately :C
Sorry for being so whiney it is just that I seem to be really sensitive atm...I just feel as if I am going to be a complete failure..I won't get my graduation (Abitur),be fat und ugly forever,never be able to be really happy
Now all that I have got to do is not binge because of all that melancholy that overwhlems me right now.

PS: Even if the content does not fit to my situtation I think this is a rather beautifully sad song.

Wow, it is really hard to *binge* if all you eat is veggies and fruits.
After one week of <500cals per day I decided to call today refeed day. And altough I have the feeling that I pretty much let myself go and ate reaally much I only *managed* to eat about max. 1150 calories. O_o
I didn't take my vitamine pill today and ate an amazing amount of veggies/fruits instead. So today was really healthy,refeeding but still not a high cal day (if I were normal..)
I learned all day(well actually only from 1PM till 5PM because I slept so long) different stuff by heart. Spanish vocab,english vocab and mountains/regions/rivers of France.
Tomorrow I'll be a bit sporty by delivering the rest of the magazines,so hopefully that will make up the refeed tonight.
At the moment I'm feeling a bit weird,because I drank 1,5litres of cola light and though I'm full of coffeine I feel kinda dizzy and tired....I think I'll call it a day
Sleep well!

Beautiful melancholy

Am I not pretty enough? Shit, I just found this song. It is so amazing,so beautiful and sad. I lvoe it.... *cries her eyes out*
Oh,maybe you should start watch ComunityChannel's vids on youtube in order to make yourself abit happier after this sad song. This girl natalie is just soooo bloody funny. I LOVE all her vids. Really.You MUST watch her videos.Otherwise you really missed something.

Oh Body you nasty treacherous thing ..

Losing 1kilo within just two days is pretty much impossible,even with a calorie intake of 350-500cals. My body tries to deceive me. It wants to trick me by losing so much weight in such a short time so I get careless and eat too much. GOTTCHA! -.-

Anyway,I'm down to 55,3kilos again. My goal to be under 54kg until Chirstmas appears to be pretty much achievable :) If I reach it within the next 2 weeks (only if my body keeps on dropping ridicuouls amounts of weight), I will have to set myself a new GW...wow I kinda feel excited though I really should not "coutn my chickens before they are hatched" ..

Anyway girls, I wish you the most tremendous amount of determination,strength,will power success and luck in the world to cope better with this awful season that tries anything to make us fat and unhappy!

Love,
Minaralou

EDIT:
HOLY CRAP! I just had THE BIGGEST nose bleed ever!! OK,not really, I remember a day a few months ago all of a sudden my nose started bleeding like hell and would not stop for what felt like an eternity. It looked really horrible and I had to keep my head down the sink for many minutes.My whole family was pretty shocked and all "oh my god!!"

And the same thing happend a few minutes ago. I simply blew my nose(it did not! blew *too hard* just normal) and I felt the blood coming. It would not stop for about 5minutes,big drops of blood falling down my noseWith my hands covering my nose I ran upstairs to our sink in the kitchen. No cold cloth in the neck helped,neither cold water in my nose. It really looked kinda blood bath O_o But here comes one kinda weird thing:
Is it crazy,scary that I was/am rather fascinated by my blood?I just looked really stunned down the metallic sink and watched my blood and its beautiful colour..such a deep red..wow
Ok,now I sound scary.

I lost a follower..ouch,that hurts :C
But I guess it's life saying:
"Put more effort into your blogging,get more interesting and successful!"
I'm gonna weigh myself on Saturday or Sunday,depends on when I'm *empty* in order to see the damage I caused with my terrible eating. Then I'll see if my goal to be 54,0kilos and not a pound more(rather less!) is achievable. It should,no MUST be!
Had about 500cals today
..
would have been 800 if I had not thrown up the 200g tofu I stupidly ate after dinner...dunno why, it just got offer me..you know me..I have this soft spo for tofu*grmph*
I think the taking supplements thing really works for me =)
I don't feel as exhausted,tired and powerless during school as I used to when I ate nothing the whole day.
But today I ate an apple in the break before my german exam started.Let's hope the fructose helped me ;)

xx
Minaralou

Just to make sure you guys out there don't forget me...

At the moment i feel like shit.I slept pretty awfully last night...overwhelmed by a sudden wave of anxiety,feeling worthless and fat(well I binged the past days so...)
...and decided on a new plan.I counted the days until Christmas and multiplied them with 100,because I expect that will be average amount of grams I will lose from now on.
I shall not allow myself any food until dinner.I shall survive school and the rest of the day until meal time by drinking lots of water and taking my supplements.
There is now excuse to eat,for it only makes me fatter=unhappier
If I have to be a loser and fail a Maths(maybe even Physics and Chemistry...we'll see?) which is 100% sure at least I can lose weight. And be a good student in all the other subjects.
Just to save a tiny bit of my sense of self-worth.
Today I started by getting 13/15 points in my French vocab test and 14/15 points in my Politics&Economy test. And I will try my best for tomorrow's German exam,even if we were handed hardly any stuff to prepare ourselves for this.
Fuck it, I'll devote myself completely to being in touch with you,reading your lovely blofs and studyying,studiying,studying. I even managed to organise myself a private tuition from a friend of mine who's got Maths as an intensive course,so there is still hope I'll do better in the 2nd exam.
How was you Halloween? Mine wasn't. It literally did not happen.Just a normal day except for the part when four or five times our bell rang but my father refused to open. " This stupid Halloween stuff,this is just soo annyong and ridiculous!!"
And I honestly have to agree.This poor version of Halloween IN germany just sucks. Either you do it right (like in America and UK) or you simply don't do it anyway.
Gosh I am sooo looking forward to going to UK for one year as as Au-pair after I have graduated.
Celebrating Halloween properly at last is only one thing I'll love about this stay.

Sorry,have nothing interesting to tell you today but
Hell yeah I really trying my best to behave like a proper anagirl

xxx,
Minaralou

Fuck you fate...:C

I have fever.
Since Saturday/Sunday...38°C or more.
Fuck it.
I was at the doctor's and she told me to stay in bed the whole bloody week.
Yes I know I'm ill and I wouldn't really complain if there wasn't one crucial thing this week:
The theatre journey.. from Thursday to Sunday afternoon we will be in a youth hostel and practise our play all day long again and again.
Of course can't come with them.
And that basically means: No theatre play for me at all.
The end.I can't participate anymore.
If you don't participate in the "youth hostel 4 days of playing again and again" you'r out.
That's the rule.
And I understand.
There is know way I could make up the leeway.Everyone else has practised 4 days in a row,me not.
And it would be...okay...I guess if there wasn't my grandpa.The only re'm dothis he.sed toan ac,a pretty good one in the local the when he was young.He's 90, so you never khow he'ning to.
I'm so,I wanted to do this as a kind of a present :(
Sorry ladies, I'm going back to my cosy blanket wallowing in self-pity.
Why is life so unfair??

Gotta make an anouncement

I feel very unhappy to proclaim that I will be abscent for a uncertain amount of time.
It is exam time for me,the next 8 weeks will consist of exams,exams,exams,theatre play and more exams....
I really do not know how on earth I will survive this.. V.v
Furthermore I have been eating lika pig for the past days...all because of the oncoming stress and my fear of failing *ugh*
But I have made plans. I want to make you proud when I am back. So today I went into a market und bought some supplements in order to get myself all nutrients and vitamines my body needs. From next Thursday til Sunday I will be away with my theatre group in order to practise all 4 days the play. -> Very much stress+ I don't know how the food willl be but I told them I'm vegan so we will see what there will be offered to me. I might take this as a chance to eat healthy and sensible.Maybe not 800 or less -ish,because we will have bf/l/d but at least under 1500cals.
Moreover, I went into New Yorker(do you guys know this store or is it only in germany?) and tried on some jeans. I saw a jeans whose colour was a special way of blue. Next week I will get my pocket money and then I will buy a pair of them in size 27.
That is giong to be my skinny jeans. My goal is to fit easily into it. I tried it on and it was okish. It fit but was really tight. So by Christmas at the latest( that means I have two months to transform from a fat vigorous monster into a skinny beautiful swan...btw my name means swan in dutch ;P) I want to put on these jeans and feel really comfortable in them.

Wish me success for all these darn exams and tests and of course will power and strength for I wish the same to you =)
I'll try to visit you from time to time but only very short in order to read your lovely blogs.

Miss u all already!
Lotsa love*hugs
Minaralou

My sister's keeper

....that is the film I just watched.Made me cry a lot...
This film is really beautiful and sad.I recommend it to everyone of you-you should really watch it =')

I'm sorry I haven't anything interesting to tell you but that I binged today on bread and then threw everything up.
Oh yes, I'm going to shop together with my godmother on Wednesday-it was my birthday present, we do this shopping every year.I will look for another nice dress,so that the lilac one won't be the only one I can wear on school or in my leisure time ,too. I will ask her to take some photos so if I am lucky I will be able to show me in this dress and another one to you :)
There are not really many pictures from the Cosplay were I'm on it.Tha is because Tashigi is not a main charackter on One Piece. And the photos I'm on...well I think I look...dumb. I don't look fat,so that is something I guess but I do not look good either. In one picture you can see me from behind and my bum just looks horrible...it is not big or anything it is just...bleeh
Not like a nice round apple or so to em it looked as if there arrrgh I don't know how to say it...
I really need these pics to show you what I mean!
...but unfoooooortunately my friend Tini is atm so very busy being with her boyfriend together...oh wait-isn't she doing this all the time? Silly me.
ANyway, I will get these darn pictures even if I have to steal her cam and upload them for myself -.-

Cheerio,
Minaralou

EDIT I deleted my name for there might always be someone out here who knows me personally and I don't want them to know what horrible things I do due to my ED.

Cosplay

was pretty nice.

At the end of the day there suddenly showed up some guy and asked us whether we would like to come with him into some sort of private room to some of his friends who wouldn't believe such a thing as cosplay was so popular.

We were photographed maaaaaany times by him,posing really cool and invited to have free drinks(cola,juice etc of course ..)

Before this we walked through the booksmess and every minute or so people stopped us asking whether they could take a photo.Teehee.

On the outside of the whole building was a big place where basically all the cosplayers  met.

And the moment we started posing together to make some photos for ourselves suddenly people started taking photos of us as well callin: May I take on ,too??.

*clickcklickclick*....10minutes later..*.click click click*

Yep, it was definitely cool.

I assume that in the next few days the photos will be uploaded and I will post some^-^

BUt still it was bloody cold.SO my cold got worse....bleeeh

I soooo hope I'm goning to be better tomorrow because I am supposed to finish my social experience on Mon,Tue and Wed because I had to take a break due to my cold/flu whatever illness...

I wonder how many kilometres we walked yesterday.Felt like 100...

I ate about 800calories yesterday but walked really a lot so it won't be too bad,huh?

By the way, I have been wondering for ages whether anyone of you might know how much weight will be still left in your body the day after you eat .....2kilos carrots and 750g steamed veggies(that is what I ate yesterday..plus 2 oranges at the cosplay convention)

I mean, it is clear that my body won't have finished digesting after 12 hours or so.

But the thing is. If I eat every day like 500-800cals  but poo only every 3 or 4 days...how can I ever know how much I really weigh? I never know how much of the weight the scale is showing me is carrots/whatever left in my sestem.

That really annoys me.I don't want to take laxatives because I already harm my body so much by b/p so much...

Anyone got a vague estimate? Like, if I eat 2,5 kilos of food (=800cals), how much of it will be left in me the next day? (hope you understand what I'm trying to express..)

Yesterday night was a chew&spit night...

I &s: 5 slices of lemon cake, a hand full oof crips,ahand full of sugared cornflakes and a mini mars from a celebrations box.Rinse my mouth with water of course.

I'm kind of proud that I did not consume any bad food the past two days but only chewd and spat it out again.

Love it.

^-^

Damn it, gotta blow my nose again...

If I'm very lucky, I'm going to be down to 55,0kg tomorrow again or even less...we will see... 

Love,

Minaralou

Victory!:D

Whoopdidoo, won a hard battle against myself.
Tonight I went to the supermarket to buy some cornichons and cola light and carrots to have some nice low cal snacks while watching TV.Then,suddenly, I had this ridiculously weird craving for.....artificial flavour/chemicals/sugar/fat....everything that is unhealthy!
I spent about 15minutes in the supermarket instead of the planned 3.At first I stood in front of the board with cereals and debated with myself whether to buy or not to buy Nougat Bits.
Convinced myself not to listen to the Bad Minaralou inside me.But then I passed the cakes/muffins section. Debated if I should buy one these cakes...the Good Minaralou won again. After I had turned town the cookies I finally chose the stuff I entered the market AT FIRST.
When I had left the supermarket I was soooo relieved I hadN't give in....
PHEWWW
Don't know what made have this really weird,self destruction moment...I won.That's the point.:D
When I sat in front of the TV this craving came again but what did I do?
I imitated Peri =)
I took 3 of the cookies I already mentioned in the last post and a chocolate bar.And enjoyed the taste in my mouth but then spat it all in a small plastic back.After I had rinsed my mouth with water I felt so much triumph.
Mwahaha....again I did not give in :D
800-900 cals for today.Not perfect but HEY I resisted temptaion and in comparison to the past week I have done really well ;)
Tomorrow and Saturday is Cosplay convention :D:D

I'll post photos as soon as I get them,I promise :)
Have a great weekend!!

Love you all to bits,
Minaralou

Feeling kinda better

..so the fever is gone and my joints are not aching anymore..
But I sound really husky lika a chain smoker...
One very important tip I have for you:

Don't you EVER purge while you're ill and have a bit of a sore throat!!
Greedy bitchy me was very bulimic the past days.
Ate this glass of marmelade on Wednesday...and purged it all up.Yesterday I tried to be really healthy but then my stepsister and I decided to watch The ugly truth(yes, we are illegal xD)
and she is that kind of girl who gives a fuck about how she looks and how much she weighs etc...
She is a little bit chubby but only a bit.
And she is happy.
And somehow I got ino that mood "fuck it I'm gonna have a fun time with her let's stuff our faces with cals!"
I should have known.... I always tend to turn my behaviour like that when I'm with her.
So I bought myself tofu and cornichons. A total of 1300 for the day.
Not very good but not a disaster as well,right?
And then she offered me some of her sweets and I didn't turn it down.
And within minutes it made CLICK and I rushed into the kitchen and ate about 3 or 4 cookies ...they are NON vegan. Fuck it, I always tend to binge on such sweet non vegan stuff.Maybe because the possibility that I will purge it is 99,9999%.
10minutes later I threw them secretely up. When I was at home in my room again the MIA came up again.Made myself 4 slices of bread with bloody cheese,cottage cheese, honey and veggie spread.
I ate it greedily but drank a lot with it because of course I would throw it up. I really hate it that I have become such a bulimic girl...:(
It came all up,luckily.When I weighed myself on Thursday in the morning it was 58,4kg(5AM). I felt numb.
A few hours later I stepped on the scale again(about 8AM) and it said 56,4 kg.
WHAT?? Okay, I'm okay with it.Still horrible but it is okay since I have been eating so disgustingly bad since...last Friday.(The Cosplay binge purge disaster).
When scale obsessed me stepped on the scale at 11AM again it said 55,6kg.
WTF????
WHOOOOPEEEE!
I don't know how my body managed to gain so little weight but yay for it!!
Maybe it is because I almost slept all Wednesday and ate about 800 cals ...who knows...
However,after the past two eat-and-throw- it -up-because-it-is-not-veggies-or-non-vegan days I'm almost fit again.
But back to the topic sore throat and purging.
After I threw up all the cookies and about an hour later the 4 bread slices I lay in bed with a bloody hurting throat. It used to ache while swalloing anyways all day but got better.Until I vomited of course.
The thing is, you simply can't avoid swalloing when you're in bed and trying to sleep.That is jsut how our body works.
This morning I weighed 55,6kg again,so no gain.
PHEW
I need to get my voice back,otherwise my father won't let me go to the convention with my friends....
Please,Fortuna,help!!


I’m not afraid of happy endings...I’m just afraid my life won’t work that way..

Fatty and skinny went to bed, fatty rolled over, and skinny was dead.

That one is from Layla M. (candysuicide) I love it :)
I'm sorry I haven't been blogging lately. As you may know I'm doing this social work eperience.All these cute toddler from 0-3 I bloody love them. ANd they seeem to love me somehow ,too....weird to get so much love...some of them even call me Mummy,how cute is that???? ( Ok, mostly they say Mummy because it is the only word they know someone female will react on xD)
The women working their are a bit harsh to the children...I wonder why. They are really bossy and some times I think they think these cuties are small adults. WTF?
Anyway, I love being with the toddlers. But now i'm ill. shit. After almost 9 weeks of permanent germ bombadment it finally gave in.-.-
Feel a bit like the flu----my temperature was 37.7°C yesterday
My nose is horrible and I'm feeling bad.
I didn't eat all day yeasterday until diner. My stepsister brought my potatoes,spinach and some tofu.
Ate it. 450cals withe the orange juice my father wanted me to drink.
And then although I'm fricking !!ill!!! I continued to eat.
Once I have started hardly anything ill stop me.
Fuck it.
1 slice of bread,2apples and a glass of selfmade marmelade.
Why am I suhc a failure? I even fail on being ill fucking hell ARRRRRGH
Maybe I have been dong so bad because I wasn't here for almsot three days.If you are not around me, I start to miss you and feel sad.
Therefore I eat.
Grmpf.

I'm determined to get back so selfrestricten,control and an eating whose maximum is 800 cals.

I wish you strength for your immune systems!!

Please anyone..

... just ANYONE come ove rhere and kidnap me!!
Kidnap me and lock me up in a room with a computer and a tv and a loo and water.
Let me out after 14 days.
I'd be so grateful.
Food is deceitful. It makes you unhappy and fat and angry. I wish I had to never eat again
( ok, liar ,Minaralou.Big fat liar. But at least a nice long forced fast would be nice)

OK, since I'm obviously a fugly weak skank I need a new plan. Guess no one of you guys is able to fly to Germany and kidnap me,huh? So I need to fast.Oh I forgot...of course I can't fast because of my bloody family -.-
I spent the whole weekend b/p. Even at my friend's house.We met for cosplay.. I don't know if anyone noticed. Shit I'm screwed anyway.
Tomorrow until Friday I will be at this daycare for my social work experience. From 8AM until 3pm. No food will enter my mouth. 6PM is dinner time just as always.
For the next two weeks (or maybe for and uncertain period of time..we will see) I'm going to eat nothing apart from veggies+dinner. And if there is rice, I'll purge.
It is holiday time, so at least for the next 14days I won't have a problem with all the sideeffects of starvation(smelly breath,dizziness... lack of concentration-suppose that is gonna be a problem when school starts again because of all the exams..)
What do you do to *survive* such rigid restriction?
I still have my sideline,and for I use my bicycle to deliver all the magazines it costs energy=calories. If I don't feed my body apart from the food for dinner and afterwards veggies,it is going to be anything but easy.
But I will manage it,right? I HAVE to.I just spend 15€ for fattening food. Purged only half of it-my knuckles are sore but it would not come out -.-*
Shit.

Gosh, I am babbling so much rubbish. Sorry. I'm just at the edge of reason. Hello self hatred
FAT FAT FAT
Yours miserably,
Minaralou
I hope you are having a much better time than me.
And Mellon- I wish I could be there for you ='(

Getting ready for the work experience!

Today I phoned again the daycare to make sure at which times I will have to be there..
Well, turns out no one really has got a clue -.-( the boss was absent)
So, this woman I had on the phone shortly decided that I should come at 8.30 AM and a further schedule would be made there...
Great, autumn holidays and I have to get up at about 8AM*blehh*
*Sigh* I guess that is the *social* tzing about it x)
I am soooo excited...all those cuuuute little babies/toddlers..I hope I learn a lot of it and enjoy the time! =)

I'm sorry girls, gotta go and burn some more calories by cycling! (already spent about 1 3/4 hours on my biked doing my sideline+a bit of cycling with my father(he has a really bad knee and was advised to do it)
PS. I really hope that you are right with your assumption Peridot! I my metabolism speeds up because of the cold in winter/autumn I won't give in that easily(I hope) by any temptations cause I know that it is my body who wants to trick me :P
I hope you have a nice weekend and the weather is not too bad! ( Here IN germany today is said to be the last ´nice and sunny day..)


Lots of joy,
Minaralou

Beware of stamps! ;)

Did you know that the rubber coating of stamps you consume by licking them in order to put them on an evelope contains about 6calories(at least in UK) ??

Recently, I watched a video on youtube about an eating disordered girl who had an BMI of 18.3 but had huuuuge tighs and hips...you might question yourself how that is possible.
Well, turns out her body fat index(do you say that?) is TWENTY EIGHT percent!
When I watched this docu my jar just dropped like WHAT ?!??! How is that possible?
It is a perfect example why starving yourself is absolute useless.
Working out, is absolutely necessary if you don#t want to end up like her.Your body will eat all your muscles and that is why you lose weight-but the fat will stay on you...
I'm really searching for this video but somehow I can't find it anymore on youtube :(
If I find it,I'll post the link immediately so you can get an idea of how she looks like.

I'm off to theatre ,only one month left til the premiere =)

xx,
Minaralou


EDIT:Her it is, the docu with this girl whose bodyfatindex is 28% with a BMI of 18.3

Activity..!

Yup, today I'm going to be very sportive:
There is a huge pile of magazines waiting for me to get delivered..I assume it is going to take me at least 1 1/2 hour...which means I will burn 400+ calories today :)
After having read Peri's post I am asking myself whether I should concentrate on maintaining as well?
The reason why I'm considering this is that it appears as if I have hit a damn plateau.My body simply refuses to lose more weight,three weeks ago I was down to 55,2/55,0 kilos and since then I have been maintaining (let's ignore the fat that I had this major binge last week :S)...grr!
I know that my metabolism is really fucked up after about 2years of constant dieting with a calorie intake of only 800cals or mostly less but I need to lose this disgusting fat that is still too much on my thighs and hips and belly...
Looks like all the weight I have lost in the past months only disappeared from ym face,arms,breats =upper part of my body and a bit from my thighs.
Whyyy won't it go away from my belly?!
Ok, complaining won't help, I just have to go on and on,right?
It is almost wintertime, the most threatening time of the year I think. This cold makes me eat more than usually. In summer it was really way easier to restrict.. ._.*

Next week I will start my "social work experience".We are supposed to do it in the 11th grade and I'll be in a daycare centre...Aww I'm sooo looking forward to spending time with all these little toddlers from 0-3 years ♥♥
by the way: have you already watched the film We Feed the World?
You really should,it is reaaaally good ^-^

Adios mis amigos y más amore!

First >500cals day

I'm trying a new thing: Fill myself up with half a litre of cola light during school instead of eating a crumble.
Today worked really well, every hour or so I took a few sipps and boosted myself with coffeine.ALthoug I was in school until 3.30pm I didn't feel bad or worn out.
Yay for coffeine
(I'm ignoring the annoying shaking of my hands and the fact that I acted extremely jittery,it is alllll for the greater good,huh?

Read you soon!
Minaralou

Oh fuck it..!

I lost control completely.The past few days were horrible.I think I have gained about 5 or 6pounds ...my thighs are already about almost 2 cm bigger..
WTF???!
Exactly.
I don't know what happened.
I am sooo sorry girl that I disappointed you so much...I really wanted to make you proud after one week without any contact :(
I feel so ashamed and dirty.
I really need to do some sort of crash diet, I I can put on so much fat within only 3 days I simply HAVE TO be able to get rid of it within the next 7 days. Seven days left until autumn holidays(2weeks) start.
Last year These holidays were the moment of time when I started stuffign my face with chocolate ,cookies etc.
That.won't.happen.again.
And since the last week was extremely hdisgusting anda complete failur I gonna take this a a huuuuuge warning sign.
DO NOT EAT !!!
The past week I simply had to much leisure time...if I am not busy enough,the weather is all cloudy,ugly and COLD I seem to lose control very easily. =(
But I do think that 7 days of <500 calories just have to make me lose all that disgusting fat I put on...
I have to concentrate myself 100% on not eating/losing fat....Tuesday is my Spanish exam but that's it. No further exams. After autumn holidays there will be always 2-3 per week. That means after a. holidays I ahve to eat at least something during schooltime in order to not flunk the exams...or maybe I should just fill myself up with cola light and be high by coffeine?!
Whatever, we'll see.
At the moment only the next 7 days are important.
DON'T EAT!!
I need to find a proper distraction. SOmething to keep myself busy, to stop my wanting to eat constantly even if I'm not hungry..!
Maybe I'll start to hang out in our local bookstore in order to bridge the free time from school until dinner.
It's going to be really hard to keep myself fo eating,because I'm a weak weakling...!I can't always be online and distract myself with blogging etc. because of my younger brother (we are 3children in this house and only 1 computer-.-)...so what shall I do after dinner until I go to bed?
Shit, this is going to be tough, but I will manage it.
I don't know exactly how big the damage is but I think I will be able to lose about 2kilos in one week with this restricting,right?
No false promises again, I will do it!!

MInaralou

PS: I hope you week was wayyy better, I'm sending you all hugs and kisses from cold Germany

Gosh,I'm such a dreamer

Last night I had a dream.
I can't remember it all properly,but the main content was that I ended up almost kissing this guy I mentioned onces. The guy I find really cute but does not seem too interested in me.
Gosh, I sooo love this fantastic feeling I always get after a really nice *love* dream... it is sooo similar like the feeling of being in love...
When I woke up I was kindaa high of it...and then I started fantasising about how it would be if there would really happen a love story between Nikki( well actually he's called Nicolai but everybody calls him Nick,Nikki) and.
We actually have 3courses together.My major subject english,then german and maths. I imagined how we would start to really like each other,talk about all kinds of stuff,after a time exchanging numbers and msn addys..you know..getting to know each other.
Then a few nice meeting like hanging out together with some friends and stuff... and after a while we would start dating and since it would be already Novemerber we would have gone ice skating .
Then he would have excused himself for a moment(going to the toilet or something..?), I would have waited,skating a bit on the skating rink waiting for his return and kinda lost in thoughts...and then he would have suddenly sneeked up on me from behind. I would have been a bit frightened (you know in a kind of way like "geez, I didn't hear you coming*giggle*") and we would have fallen down,laughing and then... the special moment would have arrived and we would end up kissing while it starts snowing...

Okay, I know I sound like a 12 year old girlie ....I tend to be pretty romantic sometimes...though I'm quite a realist.
After picturing this "perfect love story" of course the pessimist in me had to show itself. I started reminding myself that a) it would never work that way-he does not seem to be interested in you at all, life just is not that way blah blah
b) in the end I would spoil it anyway.
c) when you have a relationship with someone there comes the time when you start making out with each other,right?And the longer you are a couple the more everything turns to "sexual intercourse"
Call me frigid but I really don't want that at the moment.Of course I have already had several experiences in that topic[apart from a blow job(I think it is DISGUSTING,could never do that) and having sex I]
I just don't want to get so intimate with somebody I think. It seems to be like such a big thing(here's the virgin talking) and I'm scared of being so close with somebody.The idea of someone touching myself in this way...I just don't want it.
I think you could refer it to my ED,huh?
Plus,I somehow think that I'm just not able to have a proper,happy relationship with anyone.
Yep, I have had reaally bad experiences,though I only have had two boyfriends in my life so far-dumped them both( my first after 7 months,he was a really nice guy but... we just didnt really fit together.
My second after 4 but he really was a psycho..I don't regard him with such dislike jsut for fun.)


Whoops, my fuckin brother just came in.I'm sorry I have to end this so fast.
See you soon lovelies!!

Minaralou

A nice docu you might like to watch and other films about EDs

...it is called Living with size zero. I really liked it and kinda felt connected to the blonde woman. And her love Hugo is just awesome...
A film about a girl who kinda was raised to have food issues-it is really good,I think many of us feel connected with her life(I love that part when the famliy is at a therapist's and the narrator says:"Her name is xy but Mum secretly calls her Chubby") "This is a pretty acurate portrayal of how someone with and eating disorder (or other mental ilness or addiction) acts" I think it is one of the best films about EDs ever made!=)
Secret Life of Mary Margaret:Portrait of a bulimic -also a great movie,I loved it.Calista Flockhardt played really well.Apart from the puking scenes this film is really realistic.

A yay for failure Minaralou

I just got back from the birthday.
My ex wasn't there. Shame on him. I Looked stunning(according to my friends), but he decided yesterday to not come said a boy frind to me.No further explanation.Fucker.
Anyway, I met quite a lot new people who are kind of gothic/metal/dark wave like but they are reaaally nice =)
Unfortunately there was a hell lot of food and beside mix beers(cola+beer,lemon+beer etc.* no alcohol. What a shame xD
No really. I would have made myself drunk if there had been proper booze. Instead I stuffed myself with food.
It started out all really got. I just ate salad,tomatoes,cucumber,cellery...
And then...bread.
And more bread.
And I ate cake. Fucking unvegan cake.
I'm a bad person.I really am. =(
Because I could not possibly keep all those unvegan food in me I purged.
Silently, outside in the forest(we were in a small house in the forest)...hope no is gonna find the vomit too soon,I only covered a bit with some leaves.
It was too dark.
Vomiting in the dark is kinda pleasant,you don't see all the disgusting stuff you just recently put into your mouth. But then it is again hard to not get stained with vomit I you don't see anything.
A little bit got on my scarf.
Yeah, I know I'm disgusting, I'm sorry,but that's my MIA side...
After purging,it didn't took much time when I continued eating.And purged again.
To sum it all up my whole weekend was bingeing and purging.
This morning my weight was still 55,1kilos. So no gain since last Wednesday,despite the b/p yesterday.
I wonder if I trew enough food up so that when I weigh myself this mroning(it is already Sunday) I won't have gained any weight and am still 55kilos.
God I hate my MIAself. So disgusting,so self harming,so bad for my poor body. And I hate that my binges sometimes are not vegan. It almost is like apunichment.Because afterwads I feel more guilty than I would if it was all vegan.
Anyway,enough rambling.
I made a decision:
I'm gonna go to the supermarket until next Thursday.That basically means no safe food for me =no food to bloat me up
= and calorie intake of far less than 800 cals
=weightloss
Sounds rather good to me.
I'll just get trough the day by not eating a thing in the morning,going to school on an empty stomach,returning to home being hungry,maybe do some necessary homework and then snuggle myself up in my bed and wait for dinner time to come.
After dinner there will be no further food intake.
Yes it is quite rude to my body and unhealthy but I really have to be a bit more strict to myself than I used to be lately.
Just to not lose my goal: 54,0kg and then 53.

Funny how determined and radical I tend to be after a good throwing up*ahaha.. ha.* Ô.ó
Whish me luck,success and determination as I do to you =)
Cheers to a low cal oncoming week *bighug4all*

Thanks for reading, I promise to get more interesting for you
Minaralou

Whyyyy

do I keep eating???!
Lately, restricting really did not work... My plan for today failed*ugh*
At least everything I ate was really healthy but the amount of everything together just let's me have a total of about 1000 or so agin!!
Argh, I am SO frustrated! I could say it is because I'm gonna have my period soon but the hell I'm gonna have!!! July was the last time it cam-after this month it somehow stopped.
I don't know why!
Im still around 55 fat kilos, last summer I was down to 53 and still got my bloody period.
Okay, gotta say that I might be already a bit thinner(= less fat on my body) than I used to have when I was down to 53kilos because this time I lost a big amount of fat and gained really many muscles because of all my cycling..
It is a FACT that my legs are already thinner than they used to be at 53kilos-sport rocks !;)
But still...
WHY AM I BEING SOOOO OUT OF CONTROL lately??
All I do is
eat
eat
eat
All.the.fucking.time.
-.-
I don't care if it doesn't really harm me/let me gain fat... the problem is that I will never know my actual weight if I can't get myself together for about 3 days and eat a maximum of 500 calories. If I managed this, I could be pretty sure that the weight my scale would show me after 3days is very likely correct.
Right?
So why the heck can't I restrict?
I need a new ,really strong something that gives me willpower and endurance!


Any tips?
Atm I'm really frustrated and pissed by myself.
Argh.
Please,anybody, just lock me in for 4 days and give my every 3 hours
1.)a jar of cornichons(370g,70cals)
2.) one lettuce(iceberg)(700-800g,90cals)
3.)some steamed veggies
4.) chewing gum

After that I think I might be stronger and wise enough to not stuff my face with food all the time just to munch on something!
Recently, I have been looking a bit pregnant due to a bloated stomach but (more or less) slender body... ahh almost forgot: on Thursday my father asked me whether I had lost weight.
Weird thing is: He didn't sound suspicious or worried or something like that at all. No. Maybe a bit pleased/surprised? Maybe I'm just paranoid.
All I answered was :What? -Your face looks thinner.
A compliment or simply a statement? The trigger was that I just just thightening my belt(fucking baggy jeans ;P) and he came in and noticed it.
Ah,who the heck cares, he can't say anything,because he sees me eating all the time.
I'm munching at carrots lika a rabbit,I'm eating a hell lot of cornichons and he often sees me eating my steamed veggies-or the used dishes.
So IF I finally manage to pull myself a liiiiittle bit together and get down to 54,0kilos(my next goal) I won't have to be so worried what my father says/notices ,because he practically sees me eating all the time.

D'uh,
gotta stop the senseless rambling.
Sorry for boring you,
Minaralou xx


EDIT: I just tried on the lilac dress and got really depressed because I really looked pregnant ._.*
End of the sotry: Binge on whole grain bread with banana(2slices,2bananas) and 2 slices of normal bread with som veggie spread. Today's total: Maybe 2000 or 1800. I don#t know.
I'm a fat whore.
Still 2weeks left until autumn holidays. Until then I want to weigh not a single gramm more than 54,0kilos. I don't know how much I will gain because of today,nor if I already gained fat because of the past 1000 cals days. But I think I will be able to shed 2kilos in 2weeks. I once managed to lose 2 kg in one week.
I'm gonna do it.
With your help.
Please give me any tips that will help my restricting seriously. I jsut need a new focus...=((

3..2..1.. FIGHT

Is 1000,1100 calories a binge?
Maybe a small one,huh?
Yesterday was horrbile ...the evening and night was just horrible!! After dinner I had this overwhelming feeling and need to stuff my face with all sorts of food. And although there was tofu with sy sauce for dinner I still had a tremendous craving for it!
I fought with myself about 1 hour or so... I went out and did my sideline job (kinda doing the paperround) muttering permanently to myself :
"You don' really want that! You're strong and pride don't let yourself be ruled by a small moment of weakness! You already had a small portion of delicious tofu, it will not do you any better if you eat more, DON'T go to the supermarket!! Itis not worth it! "Remember Saturday, you girl friend is celebrating her birthday and your stupid ex BF will be there and you will look absolutely amazing in your new lilac dress, you do want to make him jealous,right?? Don't spoil all the work with a bloated tummy!!!"

It didn't really help =( I didn't buy the 400g package of tofu(500cals) but cornichons and veggies worth 300cals. Everythign seemed to be fine, I almost felt a bit superior because I seemed to have won the fight against myself.
Buttttttt......
When Desperate Housewives was over, I went from my father's love's home (where also my half siblings live- it is only 5minutes away to walk) at home and unfortunately there was still a petite portion of tofu with rice left and within seconds,kinda beyond my control, it was in my stomach....2 apples followed.
So, do you think these 100 /1100 calories binge was very bad?
Maybe I could see it as a small metabolism boost day,couldn't I?
When I mneasured my butt and thighs this morning,they were not any bigger ,maybe even a bit thinner...still about 52cm

Today I have already consumed 870 cals (1kg carrots,400g small dices of tofu and 370g cornichons with a bit of mustard to dip everything in)
But I am still going to burn around 200~250 calories since there are still some magazines left I have to deliver.
SO that would bring me down to 670cals. I don't really want to eat anything more today, I'm extreeeemely full. Tomorrow I will not eat anything until dinner in order to flatten my stomach and after dinner I will have nothing but some linseeds. Eating them keeps me busy but they don't make my tummy look as if I'm pregnant...
If I will manage this I will hopefully have a nice flat stomach on Saturday and look stunning. :)

Lots of love,
Minaralou

PS.: I totally flunked the small maths test but did really well in the vocab. and the small grammar test in French :P

Delicious rise crackers...!

Today, I want to introduce you my new best friend:
SOY SAUCE ♥
It is soooo fuckin delicious! Here in Germany they have these rice crackers which are only half as thick as they usually are... about 3mm perhaps...and still they are reeeeally yummy...

and here comes the magic trick:
Just put a few drops of soy sauce onto them !
It is soooo amazing...better than a piece of cake !:P
And only 1% of cals.
Seriously, you should rty them. Only 5 pieces of them with soy sauce (= 2,5 normal sized rice crackers) and I am absolutely satisfied,no cravings for bread or nasty stuff like that =D

PS.: Why doey my father always have to make rice?!!
Today's dinner is going to be tofu*yumm*, frickin rise*arrrrgh* and som veggies.
Stupid rice.
I hate you.
I swear when I have moved out and live on my own one day, you will not EVER find any noodles or rice in my house. PERIOD.

Note to myself:
Do not buy jeans when you know you are fat (=weigh more than 57kg).
Now that I am down again to 54/55kg all my godamn jeans are way too baggy... It just looks like shit-And it feels worse..grmph

Love you chicas! (yessss I'm learning Spanish teehee it is soo much fun and a hell lot easier than French xD)

Minaralou

To Peridot

Thanks for your nice comments! :)
Unfortunately there really is no cute guy in my maths course :(
Well..okay ONE looks ...good but I do not know somehow is have the feeling that he is interested in an other girl in this course and does not seem to have any interest in me which is really frustrating :( PLus, he is not crack at maths as well...
But still a buddy of me tries to help me but I just does not pay off. For the last quickie (small test) I spend the whole last Sunday with him and we worked through all the maths stuff and I really felt super prepared for the test but in the end I only got 3/15 points...looks like I am a hopeless case,huh?
I guess I just should concentrate on the subjects I'm good at and make the most of it.
Today I went shopping and I'm reaaaally exhausted after 4hours of permanently walking :S
Unfortunately ,I only found a realllllly nice jacket but no shoes or underwear that is not too expensive..grmph
But hey! My father said that I could go looking for some pullover next month and I already saw a super cute green cardigan which I intend to buy
...if it is not there anymore I swear I'm gonna stab someone x)

Weird..?

Am I weird ,because I am kind of obsessed with thin people? In my school are many reeeeally thin girls (some naturally thin some not..you can really see it whether the girl is naturally thin,starved herself a little bit or did sports in order to lose the fat which IMHO looks best) and I just have to stare at them!
Not in a "omg,how abnormal!"way rather in an admiring,fascinated one. I want to kinda observe them,watch them move,see how their body look like in different poses etc.
When we have P.E. I would love to have a close look at these two girls in my course who are really thin. Not that I would feel sexually attracted or sth,d'uh!!
Fascination.
I can not think of a better word.
by the way.... try tofu some time it really is absolutely stunning.... only 70-150cals per 100g (depens on the brand) and it is sooooo healthy and filling!!
A dozen times better than any meat or chicken stuff !;)

Love,
Minaralou

School

...really pulls me down.
I am really bad at maths or any science like chemistry or phsysics ( not biology!)
Lately, I do not understand a single word of the stuff we are doing in maths and I just feel so extremly stupid and worthless. I get this feeling like I will not be able to do my Abitur ( like A levels),because I am too stupid. Maybe I am just afraid of the unknown, all that new responsibility and all these different courses. There is hardly any course I have with my friends together and making new aquaintances is really not easy...maybe it just is not because I am getting rather unsocial again=losing weight. School is so exhausting and boring...every morning I wish I had stayed in bed because all I want to do is sleep.
When I'm sleeping everything is quite fine...burning cals...it is comfy and warm...
It is only the 4th week of school and I am already so worn out and loning for holidays as if it were already 12 weeks or so...
There are 4 weeks until the fall holidays are going to start... and lots of tests that will be written until then.. I do not know how I will be able to manage everything while feeling so...."dead"

One good think I am really looking forward for: Saturday I will go shopping!! =)
I need some new underwear,pullovers and shoes... I hope I will find some nice things which ar not that expensive....secret tip: second hand shops , they sometimes have really pretty stuff and the chnces that no one else has it are rather 100% :P

I hope you are having a less hard and more joyfull time!
xoxo
Minaralou

Numb

That's how I have been feeling lately.
Today I had school until 5pm (from 8 am)...tuesday sucks :P
Seems as if I look very sad when I actually do not have any emotion in my face/just wander around in the school builing heading for the next course... a girl who is in the samechemistry course as I am asked me whether something was wrong with me sounding really worried. I asked what made her think that and she went " You look kind of sad." huh? NOrmally people tell me that I look kinda grumpy when I just stare around in the room,lost in thoughts or something.
Sad?
And then a few hours lately our liaison teacher told me that I looked that and wherther I wanted to talk
WTF?
The question is, shall I pretend being all cheery and life-is-great mooded or just keep on wandering around ins chool waiting for the day to pass?
I feel so empty and numb. And fat. And ugly. And worthless.
Maybe it is because I'm feeling permanently cold...winter's coming...
I binge/purged already two times in the past 3 days... I really suck -.- Over a month or so no bingeing= no need tpurge and then... and the food does not even taste good or something... I think I am just trying to fill the emptiness..
At the moment I am reading Wasted... This book is great...
Also I watch superskinny vs. supersize... maybe this triggers me to eat more because I see als this food and even the skinniest persons in that show eat over 1000cals *grmph*
(apart from that small blonde girl eating only about 350)

Basically it is only you who keep me on feeling a bit alive.. I love reading your blogs and really try to keep up to date with everyone =)


Lots of love,
the girl with the broken smile

Uhm.... Ó.ô

I had a sexual dream.
With a girl.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??

Maybe my mind jsut really snaps up. ANother sequence of my dream was my little sister(19yrs) being able to do telekinesis and the tried to get in our house with an army of other children..pretty creepy!!
My lil sister is lovely and not scary! :C

Seems like I should really realx this weekend...btw skipped school today...
I know I'm a bad person blah.
I just was so damn freaking tired this morning...

Gonna weigh in this weekend. If I'm not at least down to <54,5kilo .... I HAVE to be! I lost almost a cm on my thighs so the weight has to go down as well,right?!
Crazy world.


PS.: Should I phone MY doctor because now it's been over 2 months since I had my last period...

A quizzie I took from Periadot =)

Random Survey
I AM...
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[ ] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid some food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[] feeling hungry
[ ] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[x] I have many scars
[ ] I tan easily
[] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[x] I have more than 2 piercings
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[x] I have freckles (but only very few,almost hidden)

FAMILY...
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[] I've run away from home
[] I've been kicked out of the house
[] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[ x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[x] Disney movies still make me cry
[x] I've peed from laughing
[] I've snorted while laughing
[] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[] I've gone on a blind date
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x ] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[] I've had a crush on a teacher
[ x] I am a cuddler
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain
[] I've hugged a stranger
[ ] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[ ] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[] I shut others out when I'm upset
[] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[] I've hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[ ] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[ x] I've purged
[ x] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[] Over-exercising
[x ] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE...
[] Weed
[ ] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

<>OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[ ] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[ ] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself
<3

Envy

Gaaah,
I'm really jealous if these apparently naturally reaaaally skinny girls all around my grade.
Practically in every subject I have at leat least two skinny bitches that have wunderfully thin legs,small butts and technically no fat on their bodies(apart from a bit on their chest ;)) !!
I'm sby thinness and it makes me feel self-conscious,miserable,insecure and fat.
And the worst part is:
THEY CONSTANTLY EAT!
And with eat I don't mean nibbling at some lettuce or fruit...
they stuff their faces with chocolate bars,squares of chocolate,sandwiches,cocoa and all that unhealthy high cal fattening stuff!!

It is SO
frustrating.

=(

Food dreams are haunting me ._. *
The odd thing is it is always non vegan food,such as normal cake or cream puffs O_o
I DON'T EVEN CRAVE FOR SUCH THINGS!!
In my dreams there just suddenly are a whole lot of above mentioned food. I might be dreaming just some simple stuff containing my friends,school or something and then the scene changes to home or something and there are over 20 cream puffs in the kitchen and I start pigging out. Only one moment later I go like "Omg, what did I do? I don't even really like that stuff!?"
Lately I haven't been forced to eat stuff I dislike like noodles or non vegan stuff. Maybe it is just so unfamiliar for me that now in my dreams I get forced(by myself?O.o) to eat stuff I don't want to.

I've been eating a hell lot carrots lately. Yesterday my stepmother mentioned that my handy had a faint touch of orange just like my half sister used to have/is having- she drank to much carrot with honey juice.
I obviously eat too much carrots :P
Maybe I should not, is it dangerous to have too much vit. A in your body?! Propably not..
Carrots are just sooo delicious and if you consider that 2kilos of it are equal to 100g of chocolate.... WOW :D
I just love to *celebrate* weekend by watching Doctor Who and eating a 2kilo bag of carrots with the greatest relish*yummy*

Okay,gotta stop babbling around. I guess I'm just unnerving you atm.

Have a nice weekend!

xoxo

Dedicated to Ethereal pasco rose

"This morning when I woke up I felt so sick I involuntarily threw up an enormous pool of stomach acid in the shower. And I ate and purged so much today. I have 2 full 2L ice cream containers of vomit hiding in the corner of my room waiting for an opportunity to empty them into the toilet. It is so disgusting. I am so disgusting. I can't believe the horrible things I routinely do in this endless battle for thinness. I can't go on like this, but if I get any fatter I'll die. If I stay as fat as I am I'll die. It sickens me. I feel so ashamed and so ugly. I just want this weight to melt away."

Honey,let me tell you one thing:
You.are.not.alone.
Saturday I had a horrbible binge,too. Though I was already full with yummy carrotts( still an under 800cals day) I suddenly snapped and stuffed my face with bread and dark chocolate and everything. The dilemma: I was at home with my half-sister in the next room,the toilet just next to her room-so no way to throw it up.

This day was the ultimate proove that I am totally mental:
The situation seemd hopeless but what did I do? Sneekd into the kitched,fetched a bowl and a plastic back. I put the bag into the bowl,closed the door,made the TV louder and vomited everything up into the bowl-> the bag.
I really did a great job. Everything I had consumed in the past 30minutes came up.
Though I was kind of proud of myself everything in me was yelling at me how sick I am,how disgusting how mad.

I was desperate. I couldnt bear to keep this food in me.
I had to do it,right??
And the day after the scale said 55,2kg. On Thursday I was still 55,6kg.
So three days and 400 gramm of weight loss. Could be better I know but still,
NO GAIN.
If I hadn't thrown up god, knows what the scale would have said O.o
So it was worth it,wasn't it?

I'm expecting to be down to at least 54,4kg until Thursday morning-the more the better ;)