Dedicated to Ethereal pasco rose

"This morning when I woke up I felt so sick I involuntarily threw up an enormous pool of stomach acid in the shower. And I ate and purged so much today. I have 2 full 2L ice cream containers of vomit hiding in the corner of my room waiting for an opportunity to empty them into the toilet. It is so disgusting. I am so disgusting. I can't believe the horrible things I routinely do in this endless battle for thinness. I can't go on like this, but if I get any fatter I'll die. If I stay as fat as I am I'll die. It sickens me. I feel so ashamed and so ugly. I just want this weight to melt away."

Honey,let me tell you one thing:
You.are.not.alone.
Saturday I had a horrbible binge,too. Though I was already full with yummy carrotts( still an under 800cals day) I suddenly snapped and stuffed my face with bread and dark chocolate and everything. The dilemma: I was at home with my half-sister in the next room,the toilet just next to her room-so no way to throw it up.

This day was the ultimate proove that I am totally mental:
The situation seemd hopeless but what did I do? Sneekd into the kitched,fetched a bowl and a plastic back. I put the bag into the bowl,closed the door,made the TV louder and vomited everything up into the bowl-> the bag.
I really did a great job. Everything I had consumed in the past 30minutes came up.
Though I was kind of proud of myself everything in me was yelling at me how sick I am,how disgusting how mad.

I was desperate. I couldnt bear to keep this food in me.
I had to do it,right??
And the day after the scale said 55,2kg. On Thursday I was still 55,6kg.
So three days and 400 gramm of weight loss. Could be better I know but still,
NO GAIN.
If I hadn't thrown up god, knows what the scale would have said O.o
So it was worth it,wasn't it?

I'm expecting to be down to at least 54,4kg until Thursday morning-the more the better ;)

I had a strange ED dream

As far as I can remember I was somewhere with someone and I looked at myself in the mirror,wearing only underwear.
And my butt really looked anorexic,emaciated,kind of creepy.
And then there was a piece of cake.
I was really shocked by my butt so I tought:
"Okay, eat the piece of cake and your butt will look better!"

I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?
Of course I don't want to look seriouly ill and so skinny that I look like a bag of bones,that really is not beautiful!
The strange thing is When I looked at my hips I could actually pinch the fat,but my ass practically consisted of nothing but bones.
When I woke up I thought:
"Shit, you ate that piece of cake which won't have been vegan and it makes you fat,why did u do that?!"
And why the heck looked my ass alarmingly emaciated and the rest normal?
My mind really is screwed up.

Plus, I dont really know what to do with Max.
I dont know how I'll survive maths and chemistry.
I hate this situation with Max
At least I'm down to 55kg.
Holy crap,what shall I do with MAX???!

Philandering..?

@ Cille: I am sure if your will is strong enough youll manage to get better =) Everyone that really tries to recover in order to get a *normal* life has my support :)
@*daisy* Thanks for your comment! At the moment I mostly feel like I am only talking nonsense to myself..puberty :P

So...this weekend we have this big feast in our town.. translated it would mean lanternfeast...sounds kinda stupid...Ó.o
There's a lanternqueen, which has to be born in my town for being it..she has a sceptre,a crown.. a nice dress and everything... btu in the past years it appears to me that the girls being it tend to get more unattractive every year.... this years queen looks absolutely average..not ugly but still not very pretty- and her dress!!
It is a w f u l
Light orange and huge as a tent.. looks like there is someone trying to hide a lot of belly fat,huh?
Maybe I'm just bitching around but on the pictures it really looked like she was a bit chunky:P


Anyyyyway... Ive promise to talk a bit more about my current love life!
So here it is:
Where shall I start?
Yipp, THE BOY.
Max.
In past weeks I experienced a completely unknown side of him I really like.
In summer holidays we chatted a hell lot and when I had a movie night with my friends to celebrate my birthday we somehow * got closer *
During Fightclub our hands moved closer and closer,fingertips touching each other and then finally holding hands. ( That was last week-Thursday)
It felt really nice and comfortable and just...good.
When everyone had left home I went online and coincidently he was online,too.
He told me that he really wanted to see me again this week.
SO in the end we had a date- I think that's how you call it when you meet at 15.30PM,
go for a walk in the parc talking a lot,then watch a movie, talk a lot afterwards again and say goodbye at 9.45PM.... When it was really time to say farewell I did not really know how to do it..
certainly no kissing...I think it's way too earl and- on the first date? No way!
So I ended up hugging and kissing him lightly on his cheek-actually it was more the spot under your ear.
And toda,y when I went out to this feast with all my freins of course he took part in it-we are clique.
The night ended with us holding hands and everything.
When I walked home with some of my friends he asked my whether Max and I were a couple.. And I went : " Uhm... I dont really know...maybe? Almost?I think it might be too early yet,huh?"

So though HE obviously like me very much, I still dont know what to do. How I really feel about the whole thing. If we end up as a couple and at some point -may it be weeks or months- we break up there can be a huge mess because we are a clique and at least one of us will feel awkward and uneasy and our friends maybe wont also know how to behave.

And if it all goes to nothing because I behave in a cowardly fashion, meaning we don't get together because I am too unsure or something, he sure will be hurt,won't he? Which makes the situation anything but better because some of our clique might to think bad about me or something...
So I really am on the horns of a dilemma...

But I am just so unsure about the whole situation!!
I dont want to make a mistake or hurt anyone.
I just want to be happy.
But I'm so scared it will all end up pretty bad as the last time...

The last time it was all way too hasty... after we had known each other for only A MONTH(chatting every day,phoning 3 or 4 times and seeing each other only about 2times!!) my (now) ex turned up on my doorstep and told me he loved me.
He live in a really small village and it takes about two hours to get their by bus... on this day there was so much snow that the busses didnt drive so he walked all the way to my home with a beautiful rose and told my that he loved me.
Of course I was overwhelmed and totally flatterted so though something in my head was saying " You only know each other for a months!Such a short time,it is a mistake!" I said "Yes".
Turned out we matched absolutely bad. He is a very possessive person,saw me as his property,extremly jealous and was all the time talking" We will stay together forever, we will marry have kis,grow old together...You are the love of my life- I would die for you!!" All this right from the moment we were a couple.
I felt like in a gilded cage.
And when I some time pointed out politely that we are still so young and no one knows what there might be in a few years,that maybe we couldnt stand each other anymore though of course it would be a wonderful thing to be a couple and stay toether forever...he was sooo extremely hurt and depressed and went like" You know where you'd find me if eyou were gone? Under a bridge"
In any case it was a horrbile relationship...no matter what I did, it wasn't right.He always claimed that I didnt love him(enough).. to him it would have been only ok if life had consisted of him and me-a 2person universe.

So ,though it was a very shortended version I hope you got a little impression of how it was to be with this guy.

Somehow I start to think that i am just unable to have a prober relationship.
Right now my best friend is more than super happy with her boyfriend (actually a bit too happy since it appears that she tends to be in this 2 people unsiverse,it is almost as if they melted to one person O.o). It all went very slowly, so they took enough time until they finally got together. And now they are soo happy.
Like a perfect couple!(except the part that her friends whish she wouldnt tend to forget everything around her -*friends!!*- when she's with him)
I would really love to be so happy with a boy.
Maybe that is why there are some feelings for Max but still not strong enough because I plainly crave for a happy relationship with someone and my mind is still sane and reasonable enough to stop me from diving head first into a preciptious relationship ?

Ahhhh, I don't know where my mind is.
The only really good thing that keeps me from going crazy is that I am eating very well because school has started again and I am extremely busy- 38 hours per week,14 subjects plus theatre and school choir AND my sideline.

Well, if I end up all alone again because I messed it up hrribly again at least I am not fat but on my way to get beautifully skinny.. I guess that's the only thing that keeps me going when everything else seems to fall apart- and of course YOU do ,you lovely girls!
I so much enjoy reading your blogs, I cant imagine a world without you people sharing the secret and coping with the life you live with an ED...

Have a nice weekend my dears!
xoxo,
Minaralou

Feeling random...

Do I deserve to have a boyfriend?
Am I already able to fall in love with someone after that horrible relationship in winter/spring?
Do I just crave for validation and some kindess and love and therefore feel some butterflies in my stomach when I think about/see/chat with M?
God, I am so confused. I don't even trust myself anymore, I doubt everything that might be...
I am going to tell you about what's this with this guy called M as soon as possible!
At the moment I'm afraid I have to leave for school.
Another topic I'm freaking out about...
Maybe it's just a slight period of being kind of hysteric?
Who knows...
Anyway, see you soon!
Love,
Minaralou

PS: I'm finally lower than 55,8 kg! =)

I wish I were invisible.
I'll be fat und ugly for always and eternity
...or at least until I live on my own.
Which means there are still 3-5 years to go.2012 I will graduate. After that I planned to go 1 year abroad to England as an Au-pair.
Maybe I'm lucky and manage to get all skinny and beautiful without much problems when I'm there, of course I'll eat with the family adn everything but I'll maake my own meals which will be veryyyy low cal and of course VEGAN.
That is basically the silverlining on the horizan that keeps me alive. Otherweise I would have already... what?
I don't eaxactly know but maybe I would just be a shadows living a miserable life day after day.
I feel like I'm in a cage waiting for my liberation.

God, I feel so wretched.

I binged on bread/toast with my home made blackberry marmelade...in the end I purged of course.
But then suddenly when I was almost finished I heard a noise.
It was my younger brother -.-
It was about 2AM why isnÄt he asleep yet when he goes to bed at midnight?!
Maybe he has heard me.Maybe not.
I don't know.
Somehow I don't really care.
We're aren't getting along very well lately,actually we have never really been.Just how siblings are like,right?
I am so pissed of. One week of eating well and no weight loss, MAYBE lost halv a cm on my thighs and hips...maybe I am just too stupid to measure correctly.
Everything seem so numb and senseless....
NOt that I am started to stuff my face with fattening food or everything.. I am just tired...
Why can't I just fall alsleep for a certain period of time and when I awake I am really thin and beautiful..?
Maybe I am just not supposed to be really happy.
There always has to be something in the way.

Fuck I'm getting moody,sensitive and fragile again.
...fragile would be so nice if it would describe my frame..

My digestion sucks!!

I am so frustrated. So I bought some sinseeds in order to make my digestion function better but it turned out to be a waste of money.
I mean, they taste yummy and are really healthy but I still can't go to the toilet more often !=(
What the fuck is wrong with me?
ARRRRRGH
Does anyone else have some experiences with this problem? I am so sick and tired of it! I don't know what I am weighing because my guts refuse to empty -.-
I eat a hell lot if you don't measure it on calories but on acutal mass.
Tons and tons of veggies and some fruits...

So on Tuesday a friend of mine is celebrating his birthday.I think I'll manage to not overeat although it will not be easy if there are potatoes..
Thursday is more to worry,because I still havent decided what exactly I am going to serve my birthday guests. I wanted to introduce them to some soyveggieburgers or anything vegan/vegetarian but we will be about 10-12 people and vegan food isnt cheap yet and my father is the one who pays... :S
AND on Saturday night, two guys I know are celebrating their birthday ,too -BBQ and I am pretty sure there will be some alcohol

Although... it is going to be at one of the guys' home so maybe they might get into trouble if there are drunk teenagers at the house?( a nd I am not going to stuff myself with beer...!)
Once again me being a vegan kinda saves my ass cause there is not much for a vegan when you BBQ,right?
teehee.
BUt still,I wouldnt mind if I could get a bit drunk cause I havent been for almost 5months!
Just no opportunity ^^
Well,it didnt really hurt me because alcohol is known to be anything but low cals ;)

Annnnnnyway, I want to start the 11th grade with a weight that's nothing more than 55kilos or less!!

PLEASE let me be strong enough for this week!!

I hope you are all doing well,
Sophia runs- your blog is awesome! =)
My mother also sucks- apparently she's a fucking mental whore...but that's another long and very complicated story!

xx
Minaralou

Looking for a tapeworm.

Today I was cycling with my father and we passed a bige bush of blackberries. While we were picking them my father father suddenly said: "Don't pick the ones under your hip, you might eat one with a tapeworm's eggs or something!"

I said:" Right. but anyway, even I would get one I would regognise it soon and there are pills or something to get simply rid of it,aren't there?"

I thought: "Shit, it would actually be quite nice to have one..in no time these damn 4-6kilos would be gone and before everything gets dangerous I just swallow the medicine..!"

Yipp,yipp - eating disordered mind says hello!

Hugs to Tri Thin

..you really consoled my with your comment =)

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up"

This quote is really awesome =D So motivating...it will help to withstand the temptation that sometimes whispers snakily in my head: "Why don't you give up and just become a fat whore?"
I'd rather struggle a life time with an ED than be fat and jigglish...

Love,
Minaralou

PS.: My period is overdue. Normally I get my period1st-6th of the month...today is 12th...should I be worried?I mean I am still way too fat,right? It is also NOT the veganism becaue I have been vegan for severaly months and it never *stopped*
Maybe my body just making fun of me...


any opinions?

Argh

Binged.
Shit.
I hate myself.
I have not bigned for about TWO WEEKS.
Holy crap,why can't I put myself together and just be strong...
It seems af if I have to binge every time there is something I really don't like for dinner(today:noodles-.-).
I'm all moody before we have supper and really pissed of afterwards and somehow I end up binging.
I'm such a loser...

Hopeless,
Minaralou

Pondering about me when I was down to 53kilos

Damn it.
I had already written quite a lot when my computer decided to screw it all up. It just stopped working.
Had to restart it. -.-
So that's basically what I wrote in short:
When was down to 53kgs the gap between my thighs used to be just as big or maybe even a bit smaller than it is now.
I weigh about 56kgs at the moment.
That is 3 fukcing kilos!
On the one hand, it motivates me so much that I already look like I used to be last summer, maybe at some parts even thinner =D
On the other hand, I am also a little bit pissed of by myself.
It is true that one becomes better in "being eating disordered and losing weight" the longer you suffer from an eating disorder.
My willpower has become so much stronger and I pretty much mastered my skills in hiding and pretending.
Plus I realised how stupid I was to hardly exercise last year before I had this horrifying time of binge - 7 - days - per - week - and - get- from-53-to-63kilos
I'm still sooo disgusted by myself-how could I let that happen to me???!
I raunches me out how much unhealthy food I ate!
So much chocolate,cookies,cake,biscuits and all that stuff you eat during November-Christmas,pancakes...
good, Im almost seems as if I was trying to *kill* myself with all this unhealthy,fattening food.
UGH!
So here is another very positive thing about my veganism(aside from the fact that I do not support this system of murder,torture,suffer and exploitation adn therefore can at least feel a little less guilty ) :
I do not binge on all this above mentioned stuff any more! I do not want to because I know what the costs are for this:
http://veg-tv.info/Earthlings

Watch this film.Seriously, it will make you think and turn you into a better person- go vegan!! ( or at least vegetarian..)

I am really confident that I will look absolutely stunning when finally hit my lowest weight of 53 I mean, if I look now -with 3 kilos more- just the same or even a bit thinner like I looked when I weighed 53kgs....
And all the biking made me get a really nice body-especially the lower part of my body! =D
Of course there's still a lot to improve but hey, I already look 10times better than I looked like when I was 63,60 or 58 kilos
....always keep yourself motivated and appreciate every small goal on your way to THE BIG ONE: your goal weight
!!

400g less..yay!

Today the scale said 55,8kg instead of the expected 56,0kg =D
I stayed in bed until half past four ,read some stuff about veganism,animals,milk,eggs etc. and was instructed by my father to "please set the table!". Did it.
Saw what there would be for dinner:
steamed green beanes
sausages
some disgusting potatoe pockets filled with some sort of cottage cheese
ugh.
But then the big relief came:
I was going to have a delicious 400ml of minestrone soup
I also defrosted some asian veggiemix and ate some of the beans ,too.
So altogether I ate 750g asian veggie mix (300cals)
400ml soup(165cals)
and a big portion of beans(about 100~125 cals maybe..?)
_______________________________________________________
So rounded up I had ~600cals today...and everything vegan and super healthy Yessss! :D

Seems as if my father starts to support my veganism step by step since I did not have to eat spaetzle( disgusting cause: non vegan-> eggs and wayyy too much cals!)
this cottagecheese pockets and mashed potatoes (made with milk..) this week =)
Plus my father accepted without any comments or anything that I did not eat any cake when my uncle and aunt visited us yesterday... =)

At the moment I'm a bit bankrupt, cause I spent all my left 40€ for the amazing lilac dresse,the 2 shirts and some healthy low cal food..
On Friday I'm going to get my money for the sideline I'm doing..will be about 40€ and the positive thing on this not so pleasant situation is that it is very likely that I'm going to be under 500cals the following 5days due to my lack of money= inability of buying myself delicious fruits/veggies

Ha ve a nice evening my dears! :)

Yes of course you can buy happiness!

I just bought myself a bit ;)
I was in a shop called New Yorker und found this super cute dress... really it looked sooo fantastic when I had it in my hands...it's lilac,made of cotton,body fit...with little sleeves... it is jsut soo cute! =D
And.... when I tried it on....WOW
I looked really thin...! It cost 25€ so not very cheak plus I already had bouth 2 really nice shirts for 12€ but HEY! These shirts very XS and they fit! I HAD to buy them to motivate myself ;)
And this dress...awesome..
End of the story: I bought it :D
Wondering why I'm so euphoric today?
Because I stepped on the scale after I had been on the toilett and it said....

56,4kg :D:D
YESSSSSS
I am so happy at the moment..and really motivated..if I keep going like this I will be down to 53,4kg in 14 days ...

Sometimes I think I just have to feel miserable,lonely or be just really pissed of by whatever once in a while in order so *earn* these little moments of happiness..

Keep strong
you know you can do it :D

Well then, I'm officially 17.

...and fortunately my birthday wans't too bad.
It wasn't because I got two really beautiful plant-an orchid and a flower..can't spell the name..something latin I think.
YOu know what? My younger brother did not even congratulate me!! When I got up and walked past him mumbling a "mornin..!" he did not say a word..and he still did not all day..but then at about 11pm he came to me grinning a bit ashamed and said." Uhm..well..happy birthday!" "Oh ,nice you noticed!" Was all I said.
Jerk.
Well,whatever.. the evening was still very nice with all my family,godmother and grandad huddled around a table in the garden.Nice weather,yummy soup-and my cake did taste good =D
Of course I only ate one piece of it-300 per serving!
My lovely grandpa had for me a basket filled with a normal sized chocholate bar,some chocolate cookies made with swiss chocolate ,a small bottle of champagne and a box of really extra fine chocolate choc.
Had to give it all away to my halfsiblings of course. Not because I am concerned of my weight noooooo,because it is anything but vegan! ...*hypocrite*
Well, the non vegan fact also is an importan fact of course!
I am actually quite proud of myself that I gave away all the chocolate without a blink =D
But still I consumed about 1200-1500cals today..holly shit it is my birthday,right?
Ate a delicious mango+papaya...yummy :)
Luckily, there is still about one serving of the nice soup left and I made clear that I would really like to have it on Friday for dinner,so to today's cal intake won't be very high since the dinner is safe :D
Plus, I have to do my sideline which will burn about 200 cals at least.
So if I consumed over 100cals on Thursday but consume less than 500 on Friday and Saturday the harm will not be too bad,right?
I really want to be down to 56,4kg on Sunday morning--I deserve it!

Cheerio
Minaralou

I am sooo looking forward turning 17...NOT!

Hey @ all!
So...it is Wednesday,which means tomorrow is my 17th birthday...yay... well...not really...
Actually My parents have to work until4pm or so which basically means that my birthday will look like this:
1.get up 12-3pm
2. get a congratulation from my younger brother(maybe..)
3.make a vegan birthday cake for myself,because everyone else seems to be too stressed (yeah,kinda sad,hm?)
4.pretend to be extreeemely happy when all my family members come together and sing a "happy birthday!" to me,followed by the delivery of my one and only present: 4th Doctor Who series
5.greet my lovely grandpa who does not know I am vegan and so surely is goning to present me a huuuge 300g chocolate bar (which of course I am never going to eat and thus hand over to my siblings..) and a nice pot flower.
6.greet my wonderful godmother
7.have dinner with all of them- I said that I want this low cals tomatoe-carott soup,because then I will be allowed to have one piece of my self-made cake of which I am yet not sure if it shall be an apple-crumbles or carottscake...gotta calculate the cals per serving at first..

Yeah...my birthday is going to be all yay I know... Well maybe the weather on Thursday in two weeks is going to be great so that I will be able to have a nic(er) time with my birthday party guests(eating and watching some films)...
Okay,must stop writing,cause I'm getting pretty sad right now.. fuck it, why do I have to be such an emotional sensitive bitch sometimes?!?!

...calculated that if I don't ever binge the following three weeks, I will be down to about 53,5kg which basically means that I will have reached me goal to be under 54kg until end of summer holidays...wonder why I am not more euphoric...stupid hormones..maybe I'm PMSing,should be about time bleed -.-

I wish you all the best my lovelies!
Keep strong,if everything seems to be all misery at least you are not ugly and fat but beautiful and skinny(or on the way to) =D

*sob*
Minaralou