Numb

That's how I have been feeling lately.
Today I had school until 5pm (from 8 am)...tuesday sucks :P
Seems as if I look very sad when I actually do not have any emotion in my face/just wander around in the school builing heading for the next course... a girl who is in the samechemistry course as I am asked me whether something was wrong with me sounding really worried. I asked what made her think that and she went " You look kind of sad." huh? NOrmally people tell me that I look kinda grumpy when I just stare around in the room,lost in thoughts or something.
Sad?
And then a few hours lately our liaison teacher told me that I looked that and wherther I wanted to talk
WTF?
The question is, shall I pretend being all cheery and life-is-great mooded or just keep on wandering around ins chool waiting for the day to pass?
I feel so empty and numb. And fat. And ugly. And worthless.
Maybe it is because I'm feeling permanently cold...winter's coming...
I binge/purged already two times in the past 3 days... I really suck -.- Over a month or so no bingeing= no need tpurge and then... and the food does not even taste good or something... I think I am just trying to fill the emptiness..
At the moment I am reading Wasted... This book is great...
Also I watch superskinny vs. supersize... maybe this triggers me to eat more because I see als this food and even the skinniest persons in that show eat over 1000cals *grmph*
(apart from that small blonde girl eating only about 350)

Basically it is only you who keep me on feeling a bit alive.. I love reading your blogs and really try to keep up to date with everyone =)


Lots of love,
the girl with the broken smile

Uhm.... Ó.ô

I had a sexual dream.
With a girl.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??

Maybe my mind jsut really snaps up. ANother sequence of my dream was my little sister(19yrs) being able to do telekinesis and the tried to get in our house with an army of other children..pretty creepy!!
My lil sister is lovely and not scary! :C

Seems like I should really realx this weekend...btw skipped school today...
I know I'm a bad person blah.
I just was so damn freaking tired this morning...

Gonna weigh in this weekend. If I'm not at least down to <54,5kilo .... I HAVE to be! I lost almost a cm on my thighs so the weight has to go down as well,right?!
Crazy world.


PS.: Should I phone MY doctor because now it's been over 2 months since I had my last period...

A quizzie I took from Periadot =)

Random Survey
I AM...
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[ ] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid some food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[] feeling hungry
[ ] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[x] I have many scars
[ ] I tan easily
[] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[x] I have more than 2 piercings
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[x] I have freckles (but only very few,almost hidden)

FAMILY...
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[] I've run away from home
[] I've been kicked out of the house
[] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[ x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[x] Disney movies still make me cry
[x] I've peed from laughing
[] I've snorted while laughing
[] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[] I've gone on a blind date
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x ] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[] I've had a crush on a teacher
[ x] I am a cuddler
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain
[] I've hugged a stranger
[ ] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[ ] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[] I shut others out when I'm upset
[] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[] I've hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[ ] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[ x] I've purged
[ x] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[] Over-exercising
[x ] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE...
[] Weed
[ ] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

<>OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[ ] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[ ] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself
<3

Envy

Gaaah,
I'm really jealous if these apparently naturally reaaaally skinny girls all around my grade.
Practically in every subject I have at leat least two skinny bitches that have wunderfully thin legs,small butts and technically no fat on their bodies(apart from a bit on their chest ;)) !!
I'm sby thinness and it makes me feel self-conscious,miserable,insecure and fat.
And the worst part is:
THEY CONSTANTLY EAT!
And with eat I don't mean nibbling at some lettuce or fruit...
they stuff their faces with chocolate bars,squares of chocolate,sandwiches,cocoa and all that unhealthy high cal fattening stuff!!

It is SO
frustrating.

=(

Food dreams are haunting me ._. *
The odd thing is it is always non vegan food,such as normal cake or cream puffs O_o
I DON'T EVEN CRAVE FOR SUCH THINGS!!
In my dreams there just suddenly are a whole lot of above mentioned food. I might be dreaming just some simple stuff containing my friends,school or something and then the scene changes to home or something and there are over 20 cream puffs in the kitchen and I start pigging out. Only one moment later I go like "Omg, what did I do? I don't even really like that stuff!?"
Lately I haven't been forced to eat stuff I dislike like noodles or non vegan stuff. Maybe it is just so unfamiliar for me that now in my dreams I get forced(by myself?O.o) to eat stuff I don't want to.

I've been eating a hell lot carrots lately. Yesterday my stepmother mentioned that my handy had a faint touch of orange just like my half sister used to have/is having- she drank to much carrot with honey juice.
I obviously eat too much carrots :P
Maybe I should not, is it dangerous to have too much vit. A in your body?! Propably not..
Carrots are just sooo delicious and if you consider that 2kilos of it are equal to 100g of chocolate.... WOW :D
I just love to *celebrate* weekend by watching Doctor Who and eating a 2kilo bag of carrots with the greatest relish*yummy*

Okay,gotta stop babbling around. I guess I'm just unnerving you atm.

Have a nice weekend!

xoxo